Dreams of Death 

I dreamt of death. 

Now, I am afraid of death. For reasons we all are. 

My dreams of death tell me that I don’t tell people what I should when they are alive. A characteristic of myself that shocks me. 

Imagine loving.  

Loving someone so deeply and truly that you are one. Where they go, you ARE, even if you actually aren’t. What they feel, you feel, even more intensely. 

Imagine losing them. PERMANENTLY. 

What will life mean to you now? You have to make sense out of life without them. See life through different eyes. 

How many times do we see someone before they die? How many times are they in our faces? How many times do we act like they didn’t matter? Or like we had more important things to focus on instead of them? How many times do we ignore their calls? 

Why do we ignore people at all?

Would their life be different in someway had we told them what they meant to us? 

Would our lives be different? 🤔

Rest In Peace, April. I love you. 

Is It Really About The Journey?

They say it’s all about the journey. 

The journey to where exactly? 

Where am I headed?

Is it all about the journey if you have no idea where you’re going? 

Is there even a journey at all, when you have no idea where you’re going? 

Today, I feel like the last few years of my life have been pointless. 

It seems like I’ve been aimlessly roaming around.

There literally was no point. All I did was work countless jobs, stress about financial problems, and try to make my boyfriend happy. 

How long will I be in this rut?

I keep trying to make changes, but nothing sticks. 

I am ashamed.

It’s like I’m destined to fail. 

As the tears fall on my pillow I can’t help but be inspired. 

The burning desire inside me always surfaces. The fear I have of failing keeps me pushing. 

I know that I have to find the courage inside me to not give up. 

I know it’s possible to reach my potential. 

I am equipped with everything that I need to make my dreams come true. 

My goals are attainable. 

The problem is that I am my own worst enemy.

I’m thinking about going back to church, meditating, or therapy…

I cry when the thoughts are too much for me. 

I feel like I have no one to express myself to. 

This may not be true, but it’s like I don’t know how to go to a person and say, “hey can you listen to my problems for a second and give me unbiased, but truthful advice? 

Actually typing it now, it’s seems a lot easier to say than I thought.🤔

Yeah, maybe I’ll do that. 

Learning To Be Grateful 

Gratefulness can take you a long way. It brings blessings to you and it drives curses away.

Gratefulness is like planting seeds and expecting your garden to grow. 

Gratefulness tell the universe “I love what I have, give me more.”

An attitude of gratefulness creates a peaceful place despite the storm that may be happening around you. When we learn to value and appreciate the things we have, we inevetably receive MORE. 

Our minds are often focused on things that we lack; the next best thing. While it’s okay to WANT more, we should remember to love what we already have. 

Someone, someplace has LESS. 

Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Day all happened just a few months ago. Hopefully we were all with our families or people that we wanted to be around. 

I’m carrrying the holiday spirit into the new year. No more crying and complaining about the car I want, the business I want, the job I want, the boyfriend I want, the clothes I want, the family I want…blah blah blah. 

Instead I’m going to be grateful and actually WORK AND DO THINGS THAT WILL HELP ME GET THE THINGS I DESIRE. 

Imagine working for something so hard, but not being appreciative of what we already we have. 

When we get the money we wanted or the boyfriend we wanted, how will we feel? 

We will be ungrateful and looking for the next best thing because that is all that we know how to do.  

In a way, gratefulness is a skill, a discipline, a muscle. It has to be built and made stronger.

So let’s build it, mold it, make it tougher. No matter what happens, let’s be grateful.  

The little that we have is GREAT to SOMEONE.

Thanks for reading this post. I’m grateful to you all. 😊😘😘

2016 Is Over!!!😲

Wow. 

Just 12 months ago I was complaining about my job, reflecting on if I really wanted to blog, as well as recognizing my desire to travel.
As the new year creeps upon us, I reminisce about how excited I was at the moment, and how none of what I set out to do ACTUALLY happened. But hey! I’ve got all of next year to make up for it. 

I didn’t accomplish everything I set out to do, but I learned that I am really my own worst enemy. I’m my own setback. I’ve battled with self-discipline this entire year and unexpectedly learned so much about myself.

I’m grateful for every person, every failure, and every experience that has taught me a valuable lesson. 

If you’re anything like me, which I hope you are, because you ARE reading this blog, sometimes you just need a BIG PUSH. Once you get that push you’re good to go! Let your thoughts on 2016 be that push. 

Bringing the new year in, I hope everyone makes some resolutions! Hopefully you still believe in them like I do. 

I believe that New Year’s Resolutions are a positive stride toward a better you. They represent your resilience towards being the best version of yourself, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. ☺️

So in 2017, let’s take some amazing trips, make a bunch of money, shed a few pounds, and wake up flawless every fucking morning. Because we can. Happy New Year everyone! 

3 Signs that You Need to Stop Loaning out Money

Hey y’all! Let’s get straight to it.

1. If you clicked this post, you probably should stop loaning out money.

No one knows you better than you.

2. If you never get paid back, plus interest, you probably should stop loaning out money.

When I loan out money to family, I charge $5 every week until I get paid back. Trust me it adds up. ☺️

3. If no one ever loans you money when you need it, you should probably stop loaning out money.

This is why I made this post in the first place. There’s only two people that I can call on when I’m in need. 

At one point I needed 700 dollars for a car emergency. No family member could help.

Money makes the world go ’round. So why in the world do we find ourselves just giving it away?! This post if for the doormats, the easily persuaded, the financancially unstable, and the broke. 

Stop spending money you do not have. If you must spend it, spend it wisely.

A few tricks to help stop spending so much cash when you don’t have to.

  • Plan before you shop. 
  • If you don’t have enough money for it, you don’t need it. 
  • Buy in bulk.
  • Avoid credit cards.
  • And finally, STOP LOANING OUT MONEY! 

Good luck 👍 

So I’m back to the 9 to 5

I got a new job at another gas station. This is my second one. 😔 

Not too happy about this. We all know that I hate cashiering and working in retail. I’m good at it, but it’s just not what I enjoy doing.

I definitely failed myself these last few months, quite miserably actually. I mean I quit  my job at Whole Foods and thought I could Uber full time. The problem was that I lacked the ambition to follow through. 

I mean my plan made sense, but I didn’t have enough drive and focus to get it done. My plan was to take advantage of the flexibility of Uber and sew and work on my clothing line whenever I could. I just got so discouraged. 

Everything happens for a reason though! At first I was depressed. I mean I cried my pillow out! I talked my boyfriends ears off. I tried to explain to my mom and sister how I was feeling and why, but they just didn’t get it. 

Perhaps because they didn’t know how badly I thought that I could accomplish starting my own business. 

My mommy constantly suggests jobs for me. They’re often long term jobs. You know, the jobs that you HAVE to keep for a couple years because so much goes into it, plus it pays so well? Haha…I never really know what to tell her. What I want to say is, “No, Mommy. I don’t want to do that. I want my own business.” 

But it always sounds silly to me. I guess because I don’t think she’ll believe I can do it. 

Chapter 24

Yesterday was my 24th birthday. 

24th.

An age that makes me nervous.

The number before 25! 

Which is the age I’m supposed to have “everything together”.

The thought of having everything together sends me to a dark place. Only because I know I’m so far away from achieving that. 

I’m reminded of how often I’ve failed at goals I’ve set. 

School, owing my own business, relationships, family issues, weight loss goals, traveling, blah, blah, blah….

How can I not feel defeated? How can I not go to a dark place?


I have plans to better myself. In a dark place or not. I will make it to the small white light at the end of the tunnel. 

I can’t give up. It’s not in my genetic makeup. 

My mother is a hard worker. She’s resilient. My father was a hustler. He was resilient. 

Naturally, I am resilient as well. I have to remember that. 

I really do hope that all of the goals I set, I complete. Otherwise, I’ll be so depressed and will hate myself.😢

AND I CAN’T HAVE THAT. 

I Have To Leave 

I have to leave my head, my heart, my body, my house, my responsibilities. 

Everything is so overwhelming. Even my family is too much to bare. I wish they would leave me be. I don’t even like talking to them. 😥

Of course I love them, but damn….

My birthday is a month away and I’m gonna work my ass off so that I can spend a week away someplace, ALONE. 

Any ideas where I should go for a getaway? 

A handful of thought and feelings

There are times when I wish I my father hadn’t died. When I wish I could somehow go back in time and try to keep him alive. Maybe he had lost his will to live and had nothing to fight for. Maybe I could’ve been that person he would fight for. 

Maybe one day, I’ll see him again. And we could start what never had a chance to begin. A friendship, a bond, something tangible. 

Because now all I have is a handful of thoughts and feelings. 

When I’m at my weakest and feeling low, there’s not a man I can talk to who doesn’t have a dick and isn’t trying to have sex with me because I’m so vulnerable. I never got that from a male, and I probably never will. 

I wonder why I feel that I need that. What in me makes me want that? I don’t know. But it’s real. 

There’s something about that strong embrace. The strength that makes my pain go away. The advice from the opposite sex. It all makes a difference.

What’s sad is this will never change. My father can’t come back from the dead. I just pray he hears me, reads this, or feels me. I love you, daddy. Rest in peace.