Am I a Woman?

A woman is not a girl.

A woman was a girl.

There is a big difference and I have a better sense of that since I turned twenty-six years old yesterday.

I’ve had a week long vacation. ( yassssss 😎)

I made a commitment to be more free and open during my vacation. It worked! I was! It felt good!

Fast forward to this morning and I feel horrible. I tried for an hour to put my finger on the real reason I was crying and thats when I realized that I was maturing.

I was actively seeking to understand my emotions as well as my negative thinking habits, so that I could change them.

Even though I credit most of my terrible morning to my hormones and lack of quality sleep, I’ve realized I have triggers.

So anyway, I’ll get back to that story in a minute….

There are a few things that God, yes I said God, put in my heart to focus more on.

1. Receiving positivity, recognizing negativity.

2. Handling emotions.

3. Womanly energy.

4. Discipline.

Now, should break it down to y’all?

I think I shall! 😜

1. Receiving positivity, recognizing negativity

The universe is you. What you feel is life, is in fact, life. What you believe will come to you, WILL COME TO YOU. Positivity is all around us, inside of us. Nature, love, and food are examples of this. CHOOSE to see the positive in every situation and a huge weight will be lifted off your shoulders. In my opinion, EVERYTHING is fundamentally good. The bad stuff? It happens. You should be aware. Don’t become it. Don’t let it consume you. Recognize it. Reject it.

2. Handling emotions

Identifying my triggers is a huge task. But it helps me handle my emotions with more ease. Another huge task for me is identifying my bad thinking habits. Lots of times, my negative thinking tricks me into thinking I’m protecting myself.

It’s all lies.

Communicating honestly, openly, and appropriately is something I am forcing myself to do as well. This one is so hard 😩

All of these things help with handling my emotions

3. Womanly energy

Hence the name of this post.

I’ve been thinking about getting a moon tattoo. It’s such a powerful image, represents so much.

I’m also deciding what type of woman I want to be. I appreciate my femininity more and I want to be more conscious of the energy I’m releasing to others.

4. We already know what discipline is.

we all need more of it. It’s built, not inherent.

Back to my story.

I cried for an hour, called my ex, discovered that I was hormonal, realized I was sleep deprived, and finally calmed down.

I took my anger out on a new friend.

I focused my anger toward anything that annoyed me.

Anyone who experienced me at that time, was not blessed by my energy. Or were they?

Signed,

A girl who is not a woman just yet.

THOSE WHO ARE PERSISTENT.

Admittedly, I cannot remain steady in my ambition. I’m trying to beat this case of laziness that I’ve been fighting for, I don’t know, my whole life lol.

What I’m sure it comes down to is balance, focus, and discipline.

The question is “how do I maintain optimum levels of these things at least most of the day?”

Because right now? I cannot even get peaceful sleep on a regular basis.

And my diet is horrible.

I’ve been working out less.

I could go on.

Let me stop while I’m ahead.

Ugh!

I hate fucking up. I hate not being prepared. I hate being broke. I hate feeling irresponsible. I hate surprises. I hate that all this shit even matters to me. My brain is something I love and hate. 😫

I wish I could go inside my brain, take a huge eraser and just go away at it.

Erase everything. Then just draw something new.

I would erase my triggers and just create some new shit.

Things that usually make me cry wouldn’t bother me at all.

And another thing! I really need to learn to vent a little more. I am horrible at sharing my emotions freely, especially when I’m sad. 😔

I’ve decided my posts will be accounts of my everyday living. Maybe that’ll help me become a better writer, you know, keep the thoughts flowing and the words coming.

I judge my writing so harshly that at times I forget to enjoy what I’m doing. I always feel like I’m writing an essay that will be graded.

Well anyway, shall I begin? 🙂

Today was an okay day. I worked my ass off as usual. The women I work with got me thinking about how I should move and operate. I like to think I’m ahead of the games.

Anyways, I don’t demand enough.

From myself and others.

Everyone knows as well as I know how much potential I possess.

Yet I continue to fail myself 😢

I’m sure imma get it together. I try harder and harder each day.

HEY BIGHEAD

It’s not always a good idea to reach out to people you love or miss. Each time you reach out, you take a chance. The person you miss may react negatively to you or you could be unintentionally hurting them with your selfish need to have them at the moment. If you really love them, you don’t want them hurt. This is why I’m typing this instead of texting you.

I miss you. 

The sparkle in your eye, your perfect teeth, your kisses, the passion that I could always feel when you looked at me. You were always so protective.

I’m so sorry that I only returned to your life with hurt to give you.

I really never wanted to hurt you. I tried to make it work this time, but some things just can’t be forced.

It seems like every time we encounter each other, it results in loss in some way.

We somehow grow closer and further apart at the same time. Working so hard to build something worth having, that we tear it down all at the simultaneously.

I regret reaching out to you because I was going through my own mess. 

I was too weak. I’m ashamed of myself. 

Even though you aren’t perfect yourself, I still love you.

Even though you never believe me.

I hope you continue to grow. 

I hope you meet an amazing woman who loves you like no one ever has. 

I pray you move out of your mom’s house soon.

The way she talks to you hurts me.

You’re already so bruised by your past. You deserve better.

I hope you somehow read this because there’s no way for me to tell you all this. 

I hope that one day, you happen to click the link to my website.

I hope one day you forgive me, because I know you hate me. 

I promise my intentions were always good. 

Even though that doesn’t matter. 

What matters is the aftermath. I know. I can never make up for that. 

Please remember that I’m growing too. That I am a mess too. That sometimes I make terrible decisions and do so, carelessly. 

I hope you think of me the same way I think of you.

This!

Perfectly describes how I’ve felt since the breakup with my ex. Tore my entire world apart. But, dammit…I’m better now!

God & ManHe was a storm. That’s the best way to describe him. He came into your life with the gale force passion, your whole heart was his from the moment you two decided this was it. This was forever love. The kind your grandparents had. There was nothing the two of you could not…

via Hate To Break It To You But You Met Him For A Reason — Thought Catalog

Dreams of Death 

I dreamt of death. 

Now, I am afraid of death. For reasons we all are. 

My dreams of death tell me that I don’t tell people what I should when they are alive. A characteristic of myself that shocks me. 

Imagine loving.  

Loving someone so deeply and truly that you are one. Where they go, you ARE, even if you actually aren’t. What they feel, you feel, even more intensely. 

Imagine losing them. PERMANENTLY. 

What will life mean to you now? You have to make sense out of life without them. See life through different eyes. 

How many times do we see someone before they die? How many times are they in our faces? How many times do we act like they didn’t matter? Or like we had more important things to focus on instead of them? How many times do we ignore their calls? 

Why do we ignore people at all?

Would their life be different in someway had we told them what they meant to us? 

Would our lives be different? 🤔

Rest In Peace, April. I love you. 

Is It Really About The Journey?

They say it’s all about the journey. 

The journey to where exactly? 

Where am I headed?

Is it all about the journey if you have no idea where you’re going? 

Is there even a journey at all, when you have no idea where you’re going? 

Today, I feel like the last few years of my life have been pointless. 

It seems like I’ve been aimlessly roaming around.

There literally was no point. All I did was work countless jobs, stress about financial problems, and try to make my boyfriend happy. 

How long will I be in this rut?

I keep trying to make changes, but nothing sticks. 

I am ashamed.

It’s like I’m destined to fail. 

As the tears fall on my pillow I can’t help but be inspired. 

The burning desire inside me always surfaces. The fear I have of failing keeps me pushing. 

I know that I have to find the courage inside me to not give up. 

I know it’s possible to reach my potential. 

I am equipped with everything that I need to make my dreams come true. 

My goals are attainable. 

The problem is that I am my own worst enemy.

I’m thinking about going back to church, meditating, or therapy…

I cry when the thoughts are too much for me. 

I feel like I have no one to express myself to. 

This may not be true, but it’s like I don’t know how to go to a person and say, “hey can you listen to my problems for a second and give me unbiased, but truthful advice? 

Actually typing it now, it’s seems a lot easier to say than I thought.🤔

Yeah, maybe I’ll do that. 

Learning To Be Grateful 

Gratefulness can take you a long way. It brings blessings to you and it drives curses away.

Gratefulness is like planting seeds and expecting your garden to grow. 

Gratefulness tell the universe “I love what I have, give me more.”

An attitude of gratefulness creates a peaceful place despite the storm that may be happening around you. When we learn to value and appreciate the things we have, we inevetably receive MORE. 

Our minds are often focused on things that we lack; the next best thing. While it’s okay to WANT more, we should remember to love what we already have. 

Someone, someplace has LESS. 

Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Day all happened just a few months ago. Hopefully we were all with our families or people that we wanted to be around. 

I’m carrrying the holiday spirit into the new year. No more crying and complaining about the car I want, the business I want, the job I want, the boyfriend I want, the clothes I want, the family I want…blah blah blah. 

Instead I’m going to be grateful and actually WORK AND DO THINGS THAT WILL HELP ME GET THE THINGS I DESIRE. 

Imagine working for something so hard, but not being appreciative of what we already we have. 

When we get the money we wanted or the boyfriend we wanted, how will we feel? 

We will be ungrateful and looking for the next best thing because that is all that we know how to do.  

In a way, gratefulness is a skill, a discipline, a muscle. It has to be built and made stronger.

So let’s build it, mold it, make it tougher. No matter what happens, let’s be grateful.  

The little that we have is GREAT to SOMEONE.

Thanks for reading this post. I’m grateful to you all. 😊😘😘