Blue.

I used to hate the color blue.

Made me uncomfortable and I didn’t understand it.

I couldn’t feel it.

Now it means more to me than a color.

It’s a process. Sometimes a state of being.

A feeling at times.

It’s therapeutic. Calming.

And I desire more.

Every heart, every ocean, every word, everything.

Goes blue

eventually.

Those nerves, those curves, my smile, my wings.

Will go blue

Eventually.

With the wind.

And that’ll turn blue too.

Your troubles, and mine. Someday they’ll all be blue…

Am I a Ruby?

I’m so fucking bored. Sometimes I just wanna jump in a lake… that’ll wake my ass up.

I feel like I’m watching the same documentaries over and over, just to pass time. I feel like I drink, just to be in another reality. I smoke out of habit…

What am I doing?

I’m not completely terrible. I work out, eat a rather healthy diet, meditate every other day, pray for my friends, but….

I feel so alone most nights.

And I feel this way ever since Marquis….

While I feel that I’m better now than I was then, I am still not satisfied with the woman I am.

I mean its great that I’m not dependent upon him like I was. I’ve learned to be comfortable being single. I don’t look to others for self-validation. All great things!

And yet, I’m me.

Doing ME things.

I see a pattern.

Why do I feel so alone?

I have a family.

Friends, too.

There are always men who want to get to know me.

I do not feel valued, though.

I feel like as though I am a ruby, unnoticed.

I guess I would feel better if I was forgotten, but I don’t even think I’ve been recognized.

So, am I really a ruby?

Am I as valuable and beautiful as I believe?

Why Me

Abandoned.

Unfinished.

Tossed away.

Like I’m nothing.

Like I never mattered in the first place.

Abandonment is a common feeling of mine.

Probably the most felt negative emotion of mine.

At the end of every relationship, I usually feel abandoned.

I even sometimes feel abandoned by my friends.

Which brings me to ask myself are they really my true friends?

Another post though!

Some other day.

Instead of dwelling in my pity, I thinks it’s a nice idea to make sure I’m not unknowingly making others feel abandoned.

I really think that might help me…

Am I a Woman?

A woman is not a girl.

A woman was a girl.

There is a big difference and I have a better sense of that since I turned twenty-six years old yesterday.

I’ve had a week long vacation. ( yassssss 😎)

I made a commitment to be more free and open during my vacation. It worked! I was! It felt good!

Fast forward to this morning and I feel horrible. I tried for an hour to put my finger on the real reason I was crying and thats when I realized that I was maturing.

I was actively seeking to understand my emotions as well as my negative thinking habits, so that I could change them.

Even though I credit most of my terrible morning to my hormones and lack of quality sleep, I’ve realized I have triggers.

So anyway, I’ll get back to that story in a minute….

There are a few things that God, yes I said God, put in my heart to focus more on.

1. Receiving positivity, recognizing negativity.

2. Handling emotions.

3. Womanly energy.

4. Discipline.

Now, should break it down to y’all?

I think I shall! 😜

1. Receiving positivity, recognizing negativity

The universe is you. What you feel is life, is in fact, life. What you believe will come to you, WILL COME TO YOU. Positivity is all around us, inside of us. Nature, love, and food are examples of this. CHOOSE to see the positive in every situation and a huge weight will be lifted off your shoulders. In my opinion, EVERYTHING is fundamentally good. The bad stuff? It happens. You should be aware. Don’t become it. Don’t let it consume you. Recognize it. Reject it.

2. Handling emotions

Identifying my triggers is a huge task. But it helps me handle my emotions with more ease. Another huge task for me is identifying my bad thinking habits. Lots of times, my negative thinking tricks me into thinking I’m protecting myself.

It’s all lies.

Communicating honestly, openly, and appropriately is something I am forcing myself to do as well. This one is so hard 😩

All of these things help with handling my emotions

3. Womanly energy

Hence the name of this post.

I’ve been thinking about getting a moon tattoo. It’s such a powerful image, represents so much.

I’m also deciding what type of woman I want to be. I appreciate my femininity more and I want to be more conscious of the energy I’m releasing to others.

4. We already know what discipline is.

we all need more of it. It’s built, not inherent.

Back to my story.

I cried for an hour, called my ex, discovered that I was hormonal, realized I was sleep deprived, and finally calmed down.

I took my anger out on a new friend.

I focused my anger toward anything that annoyed me.

Anyone who experienced me at that time, was not blessed by my energy. Or were they?

Signed,

A girl who is not a woman just yet.

THOSE WHO ARE PERSISTENT.

Admittedly, I cannot remain steady in my ambition. I’m trying to beat this case of laziness that I’ve been fighting for, I don’t know, my whole life lol.

What I’m sure it comes down to is balance, focus, and discipline.

The question is “how do I maintain optimum levels of these things at least most of the day?”

Because right now? I cannot even get peaceful sleep on a regular basis.

And my diet is horrible.

I’ve been working out less.

I could go on.

Let me stop while I’m ahead.

Ugh!

I hate fucking up. I hate not being prepared. I hate being broke. I hate feeling irresponsible. I hate surprises. I hate that all this shit even matters to me. My brain is something I love and hate. 😫

I wish I could go inside my brain, take a huge eraser and just go away at it.

Erase everything. Then just draw something new.

I would erase my triggers and just create some new shit.

Things that usually make me cry wouldn’t bother me at all.

And another thing! I really need to learn to vent a little more. I am horrible at sharing my emotions freely, especially when I’m sad. 😔

I’ve decided my posts will be accounts of my everyday living. Maybe that’ll help me become a better writer, you know, keep the thoughts flowing and the words coming.

I judge my writing so harshly that at times I forget to enjoy what I’m doing. I always feel like I’m writing an essay that will be graded.

Well anyway, shall I begin? 🙂

Today was an okay day. I worked my ass off as usual. The women I work with got me thinking about how I should move and operate. I like to think I’m ahead of the games.

Anyways, I don’t demand enough.

From myself and others.

Everyone knows as well as I know how much potential I possess.

Yet I continue to fail myself 😢

I’m sure imma get it together. I try harder and harder each day.

HEY BIGHEAD

It’s not always a good idea to reach out to people you love or miss. Each time you reach out, you take a chance. The person you miss may react negatively to you or you could be unintentionally hurting them with your selfish need to have them at the moment. If you really love them, you don’t want them hurt. This is why I’m typing this instead of texting you.

I miss you. 

The sparkle in your eye, your perfect teeth, your kisses, the passion that I could always feel when you looked at me. You were always so protective.

I’m so sorry that I only returned to your life with hurt to give you.

I really never wanted to hurt you. I tried to make it work this time, but some things just can’t be forced.

It seems like every time we encounter each other, it results in loss in some way.

We somehow grow closer and further apart at the same time. Working so hard to build something worth having, that we tear it down all at the simultaneously.

I regret reaching out to you because I was going through my own mess. 

I was too weak. I’m ashamed of myself. 

Even though you aren’t perfect yourself, I still love you.

Even though you never believe me.

I hope you continue to grow. 

I hope you meet an amazing woman who loves you like no one ever has. 

I pray you move out of your mom’s house soon.

The way she talks to you hurts me.

You’re already so bruised by your past. You deserve better.

I hope you somehow read this because there’s no way for me to tell you all this. 

I hope that one day, you happen to click the link to my website.

I hope one day you forgive me, because I know you hate me. 

I promise my intentions were always good. 

Even though that doesn’t matter. 

What matters is the aftermath. I know. I can never make up for that. 

Please remember that I’m growing too. That I am a mess too. That sometimes I make terrible decisions and do so, carelessly. 

I hope you think of me the same way I think of you.

This!

Perfectly describes how I’ve felt since the breakup with my ex. Tore my entire world apart. But, dammit…I’m better now!

God & ManHe was a storm. That’s the best way to describe him. He came into your life with the gale force passion, your whole heart was his from the moment you two decided this was it. This was forever love. The kind your grandparents had. There was nothing the two of you could not…

via Hate To Break It To You But You Met Him For A Reason — Thought Catalog