I have a bad habit of always thinking that there is always a flaw in my thinking, opinion, or choices.
It’s a habit that I have possessed since I was 17, and I realized this habit this morning while sitting on the toilet.
My recent argument with my boyfriend was a really bad one, and as I think back to big arguments that I’ve had in the past, I’m more than relieved now that I know what my problem is, because now I can fix it.
Let me say this, I consider myself an intelligent young woman. I don’t believe my intelligence is the problem. My problem is emotional instability.
When I’m upset about something, it’s a logical response gone emotional. This is when I lose it. I go from “regular Dominique” to “dramatic Dominique”. I see this trait in my mother all the time.
I’m literally unaware of how dramatic I am being in the moment. I’m exploding and I won’t realize how over-the-top I’m being until the smoke settles. It can take weeks sometimes for this to happen.
When it does, I feel awful and regretful of how I expressed myself. I become embarrassed of how immature I am. I wonder why my boyfriend wants to continue this relationship at all.
A voice in my head tells me that “he’s gonna break up with me if I keep acting this way. He’s gonna want someone who can handle their emotions, so learn to handle your emotions in a mature way or you’ll be apart from him.”
Soooo I go back to “regular Dominique”. The girl who got all A’s and B’s throughout her academic career. The girl who is a shoulder for all her friends to lean on. The girl who can calm anyone down and tell them to be logical. Ha!
This is pretty sad, isn’t it?
Keep up because it gets worse.
After I have calmed down and realized the flaws in the way I express myself. I wreck my brain thinking of ways we could have avoided the argument.
So now, I’m thinking, if he’s the emotionally sound one, he’s gotta be the most intelligent one, right? (Shaking my head).
And if he’s more intelligent than I am and he thinks I overreacted (which he never says) then I am the cause of our argument and my reason for being upset was not valid.
Can you imagine this turmoil?
This is the cycle.
I continuously apologize. He’ll tell me to stop and sometimes I can’t. I feel responsible for what I shouldn’t feel responsible for.
Maybe I just hate causing discord.
What I do know is this:
Today is the day that I stop going back on my true feelings. I will allow myself to FEEL.
AND NO MORE BEATING MYSELF UP FOR FEELING HOW I FEEL.
The reality is that I need to work on not being so DRAMATIC once I’ve expressed myself.
I need to express myself and move on. I mean it’s ok to cause discord. If I don’t, I will just continue to be a doormat. And you all know I’m through with that. 😊