Random ASF

Good evening y’all,

I hope yall are doing well. At least better than myself.

Today has been such an emotional day for me. The ups and downs of life though, eh? Blame it on Mother Nature, blame it on Trump, 🤦🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️ Who knows?

It all started with my night that sorta turned into my morning. I partied all night till about 5 am. I had fun. Wish I coulda twerked more, but oh well.

THEN I checked my bank account. 😫oh my God!

THEN Fred didn’t wanna have sex so I practically begged for it and I still didn’t get any. 😫😫

THEN the car we bought this morning had a gas cover that refused to come off. We ran out of gas an hour after we bought it. 😫😫😫 I didn’t pick this car. He did. Not my fault. I mean who doesn’t check the gas cap when they’re inspecting a car?!?

Mind you, I’m hungover, sexually frustrated, and almost broke. I feel like I’m gonna have an anxiety attack soon simply because I have no idea what’s next for me. I quit my job, I’m dependent on Fred, and I am so far away from family. But y’all know me, imma smile regardless.

I’m sure most people have been suffering longer than I have in quarantine.

So on a positive note?

I purchased my acrylic nail kit for beginners. Im so excited. I hope I’m good at it. 🙏🏾

I found a Giordano’s(my fave restaurant 😊) that had a patio so we finally got to eat out yesterday. Fred and I…that’s my boyfriend if you didn’t know yet. It was so refreshing. They have really good garlic Parmesan fries btw.

Oh yeah!! I saw my best friend a few days ago and we haven’t seen each other in about a year! That felt good too.

New car, new opportunities, and I haven’t caught the coronavirus yet. Life is alright.

Anyway, nap time…talk to y’all soon. Thanks for reading.

4 Months Behind, 3 Weeks Of Insanity

It’s been about three weeks since I quit my job. About five months in quarantine and I’m wondering, “how the hell did y’all get through?!” Some of you have been on lockdown since the start of the pandemic in February. I’ve been home for twenty-one days and my significant other is driving me crazy!

We’re not gonna even talk about my non-existent sex life. I’ve ordered tons of things online (including sexy toys that I’ve lost already. Why are they so small? 😑) I’ve walked around my neighborhood, I’ve tried new alcoholic drinks, I’ve meditated, I’ve watched beef breakdown on YouTube , and I can tell you if I watch another documentary, I’m gonna start to question my sanity. (By the way, thank God they finally arrested Ghislaine Maxwell‼️👍🏾

It doesn’t help that we can’t explore the city either! We can’t swim at the beach, we can’t dine-in at restaurants, all festivals have been canceled. Mind you, I live in Chicago, so that’s a nice amount of festivals gone bye bye!

AND SO I SUPPOSE that all I can do is rearrange my apartment, practice my Spanish, better my singing voice, workout, learn a new skill, walk around the city, and y’all all know I like to get on my boyfriend’s nerve. 😇😎

There. That’s my plan. Haha

What hurt you? What fucked you up? Is there a hole still left inside of you? What could fill it?

Do you feel like something is missing? Do you know what that is?

Don’t you remember the lonely nights? The nights you spent crying? You’ve gotta remember all the time it took to even remotely feel better!

We will not going back to what broke us, we will not.

Update!

Remember I was asking myself ”What‘s going on with me? “

Well, I’ve still been thinking and I haven’t been able to come up with anything other than what I already had.

Bummer.

In other news though 😊, I have promised myself that I would not stress over the dream anymore.

There’s no point since I don’t have any new ideas about it. It happened 🤷🏽‍♀️ I had the dream and I am moving on.

I did tell my boyfriend about it. He was just as confused as I am. Rightfully so.

So, no more talking about the dream. And in the words of the great Joel Osteen:

Proverbs 3:5, says, “Lean not to your own understanding.” Sometimes there is no logical solution. If you’re constantly trying to figure it out, all that’s going to do is make you frustrated. Just because you don’t see a way doesn’t mean God doesn’t have a way.

Okay.

Until next time…

What’s Going on With Me?

I keep having dreams that my boyfriend is cheating on me with a person close to me.

Why do I keep having this dream? Will it come true? He doesn’t give me reason to believe that. IDK!!

So, I’m left to believe that it’s my guilty conscious. Or maybe my insecurities that’s making me have these dreams.

Me and this person that’s “close to me” have been compared a lot in life. I think I may have subconsciously compared us over the last several years. Is the result of my thoughts surfacing now?

Listen to me…trying to be philosophical.

I’m gonna get to the bottom of this.

I’m really tired of waking up in tears.

HOW DID YOU LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY? DOES IT MATTER?

Eleven years ago I lost my virginity.

Instead of retelling that awkward, but liberating story, I’ve decided to think about what else was going on in my life at that time and think hard about it too.

I hope to learn something new about myself and answer the question: “does it matter how you lost your virginity?”

Let’s go.

Just some random facts first…

I was sixteen years old.

Lived with my mom, sister, brother, and stepdad.

We had just been returned home and were no longer wards of the state. My mom got all her parental rights back. She’s a champion. ❤️

I was in high school at the time and attended a Catholic school. I was beginning to question religion and actually had just stopped going to church, which was several times a week.

The irony.

I lived far from all of my friends. Even my best friend.

I talked to my big cousin Tiffany often though. Saw her several times a week. She lived like six blocks away. I told her all my stories. She told me hers. I think we lived through each other. Enjoyed each other.

I think that’s my #1!

I never thought much about how close we were. Oh man we had so many laughs and arguments.

So many embarrassing moments together. 😂😂 She had a baby and moved to Wisconsin last year. Imma go visit soon.

I didn’t realize how much I missed her. I know I’m dramatic, but She played an important role in my teenage life. Seriously.

Continuing on, some other things going on in my life at the time involved me getting up everyday at 5am for school. My commute was 2.5 hours each way.

This was the year of my sweet sixteen! 🤔🤔🤔 Jesus Christ. I lied to the guy and told him I was 17 years old. 😫

Smh. He was twenty-two years old. I was confused a long time about what happened to me at such a young age. I mean I felt like I was grown, but I truly wasn’t.

I’ve now come to the conclusion that losing my virginity will always be a story I don’t want to tell because I have to face the reality that I was abused. AGAIN. 😞

I was underaged.

I said “no” softly a few times but I clearly didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I gave in eventually and even though overall it was a satisfying experience, I’ve always felt robbed because I didn’t put much thought into that important moment.

I think how you lose your virginity does matter. I think it shapes your view of the world you live in, your judgement of others, your sexual preferences, and a few other things.

It’s crucial to be aware of how you think. We limit ourselves with our own brains and live in a bubble we subconsciously create.

So, yes. It does matter. I mean everything before that matters too. I got a lot of reminiscing to do lol.

January 1, 2020

Setting my intentions for the month.

You should too.🙂

Today I hoped to watch the sunset. The first sunset of 2020 would have been a perfect way to begin the year.

Instead, I was at work. “Almost seeing” the sunset from my gas station window…

Tomorrow is a new day though.

I’ll try again for that sunset.

I’m writing right now because I don’t want to repeat last year’s mistakes.

I just want to constantly feel the fulfillment of trying harder.

Doing more than I know I can.

The New Year

the new year is among us all.
let us cheer!
let us rejoice!
lets drink and be merry.
or not…

here are some random things about the New Year that I’m excited about:

is Bill Gates closer to solving our energy crisis?

is Rihanna coming out with a new album?

will Beyonce have a concert that i can afford to go to?

will i start eating meat again?

how many strikes will CPS teachers go on this school year?

how much is arm surgery?

am i gonna lose more weight?

whats next for donald trump?

How will legalizing weed change things?

a bunch of other shit…

to be continued lol.

good night everybody ☺️☺️